Thoughts before my birthday

Tomorrow I will really be mid 40s, and you know what?  I realize I’m good with that. It’s been overall a really good year, and a good decade of life thus far.  Oh, there are things I would still change in my life, those ‘if I knew then, what I know now’ moments, but I didn’t know then and have made peace with the idea that most of the choices that I have made were good choices for me, and if not good choices, well, at least it was what I wanted at the time.

But, I don’t have any real regrets. Some of the hardest, most painful decisions that I’ve made in life – even those made in anger – have proven to be the very best things of very bad situations.

So what has the first 44 years brought me?

  • I have now spent more time in an urban environment than a rural one. Sometimes I don’t like all the people around, but I hated the loneliness in the country even more. Still haven’t figured out a happy medium, but it’s okay.
  • I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know I’m on the cusp of something big.
  • I have been out of the closet now longer than I have been in the closet.  I’ve got a rainbow flag on my balcony; I can be campy if I want to be, but it’s really about who I want to date. And if that’s not ok with you, fuck you.
  • I have learned that Family are those who choose to be in your life and love you unconditionally, not because they have to, but because they want to.  Some of my family is also my Family, but not all.  But I know that if I needed to pick up the phone in the middle of the night and say “I need help”, I’ve got a damn good list of people who’s response would be “I’ll be right there”.
  • I have a friendship that is 30 years. She’s my touchpoint in life, as I am hers. We might not chat forever, and then pick up the phone and talk for hours. She’s got the most dirt on me, because not only can I be honest with her, she simply knows who I was, where I’ve been, and how I got here. You have no idea how much love and respect I have for that woman, and if I ever need a safe zone to have truth thrown at me, that’s who I’ll go to.
  • I have had some fantastic teachers in life. Ms. Lassner taught me about forgiveness. Dr. Miller taught me patience. Father Ferris taught spirituality instead of religion. L’il boss teaches me how to talk about Dark Truths to others.
    • Some lessons have taken longer that others to understand.
  • I have officially lived with depression for 25 years. Unofficially, it was first suggested 4 years prior to that by a guidance counselor. I’m still here.  Most days are ok.  Some are damn fine. Those bad ones, I try and pull myself and landmark the shore of the past with the hope for the future.  But I work on it constantly now, where once I could’ve just let myself slip under and let go.
  • Because I had to suppress myself for so long, my twenties were the equivalent of teen years in a lot of ways. My 30’s were for beginning to accept myself as me. My 40s are all about starting life again.
  • I have had love, and I have had real love.  I had little loves that lasted, flirtations that couldn’t last as either one or the other was just not accepting of themselves, let alone another.
    • I had a love for almost seven years that proved to be a lie of sorts. Took another 15 years to sort that one out and realize I hadn’t done anything wrong except be naive.
    • Then I met Jaymz.  No expectations, no demands, just unconditional. A life of drama…and emmy award winning drama.
      • Now I’ve done the one thing he never did…live an extra year.  But, OMG, he knew how to LIVE.  There’s a huge difference.
    • Now I’ve had Jun, where one kind of love comes full circle to a different kind.
    • I have learned the heart is infinite, and you can embrace different people in different parts, even as you keep the memories of others whole.
  • Things that were important once aren’t. Some are. I value myself as who I am.  It’s okay to be weird… Why not see life from a different angle, n’est-ce pas?
    • Should I switch to a more monetarily rewarding role, I will need to have value in a humanitarian aspect of some kind.
    • Giving up a friendship that isn’t healthy is sad, and you’ll cry, but it won’t hurt in the long run.
    • Some people will find you toxic or the bad guy in their life. There is nothing you can do to change that view, and it’s not worth the effort.  It’s ok.  We can’t be the hero in every story.
      • You don’t have to like everyone…and they don’t have to like you.  I had that in the original language; it’s a proverb from another culture.

Life if for the living.  The dead come around sometimes in different ways, whether a sudden memory, piece of music, a butterfly.  Not just the obvious ones: there are erstwhile friends who I haven’t thought of in years, and all of a sudden their names and laughs are popping into my head.  I might be forgotten one day, and I’m okay with that.  We don’t all have to have our name on the wall of a pew or hospital or wherever.  When its time for me to go, it’ll be because my purpose is done.  Whether in a few days time tragically, or in 40 years time of old age; this journey is one of spirit riding flesh.  I don’t know what comes next. I’m not in a hurry to find out, but I’m not scared.

I’ve lost a lot of people in life.  It’s why I treasure the ones I have in it now, why I say “I love you” when they leave, and “call me when you get home”.

Tomorrow I’ll be 45 and that’s ok.

 

 

 

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