I had a dream last night that I recognized at once as something different. It came in a few parts, but was a continuation of itself, though I woke twice with a snoozed alarm, and slid back down to where I had been. Normally, if I wake, even if I can fall back asleep and remember my dreams, it is not the same dream, let alone a continuation.
In the first part of the dream, Jaymz – alive and well – and I were spontaneously planning another trip to Mexico. We were chatting about needing to go someplace and be happy, and he suggested, “let’s just take off next week to Mexico, and then we can do a bigger trip to France in like six months”.
We were happy. I was talking about the San Merino hotel where we went before, and he said “it’s not hotels like that where we are going. We have all these different little cabins scattered around and you can camp out with whomever’s cabin is by river. There are all these river trips you can take, and just go where the water goes”.
He was showing me pictures, and part of me was realizing this wasn’t Mexico he was showing me, but the other part didn’t care, but was just excited about the trip. He was showing me pictures of gorgeous little pieces of nature, so beautiful. It was a river country, and there were meadows and forests stretching out, waiting to be explored.
Every now and then, there were little habitations, with people living simply and happily. He was explaining that you could spend some time with different people, and spend time with them, talking around a campfire. Most of all, all the people were happy, and would be overjoyed to see you. We were chatting about little side trips that we could while travelling; it didn’t matter which fork of the river you took, because everywhere was safe, everywhere led somewhere beautiful, and everywhere you would bump into people you would love to see. I remember being really excited about the whole idea, and then, we were just all of a sudden en route.
It felt like we were about halfway there when I started worrying about whether or not I had put in a vacation notice to work, or turned my out-of-office on my email. It wasn’t my current job, but the last job, and I could feel all the stress that old job had caused me by the end. I wasn’t happy thinking about the job, or thinking about all responsibilities I had in general, nor happy about having to deal with so many details. I woke long enough to hit snooze, thinking it odd I was stressed about the old job, not my current one.
In the second part of the dream, Jaymz was a little sad that I wasn’t focussed on the trip. It wasn’t just that I was caught up in the details like usual, (needing to plan things out properly, so that I could enjoy things worry-free later), but I was worried about too many details in my life. He knew I was unhappy about things that were holding me back – old identities, old responsibilities – and he was sad that these things were bothering me still. Yet, we were still focussed on the trip, because I was still trying to get rid of these details because my whole idea was still to make a few plans, so we could get there and just relax.
I was worrying about things like luggage, and he told me “you don’t have to worry about the luggage, you don’t need passports. Look around; nobody else is worrying about the luggage.”
I had been distracted with lifting an over-packed carry-on case, and hadn’t realized that we had arrived, and that other people were with us. Everyone else was in a great mood, but giving me funny looks for struggling with stuff. It seemed to amuse some, but they weren’t mean about it.
In the third part of the dream, that awake part of me realized that Jaymz wasn’t fully there, but that I was on a trip to go see Jaymz. His presence was there in the periphery of my awareness; not there, but trying to outline the way to get me to where I was. Things were happening quickly. The people I had disembarked with were all happily marching along, and I was marching with them, though I felt out of place pulling my carry-on.
There was a plump woman in yellow, wearing yellow high heels, and I thought her feet must hurt as we walked along, but she assured me she was fine, and it was her favorite outfit. There were other people, all excited and they all seemed to know where they were going. They were all friendly, and nice to be around. There was no airport: we had simply arrived from where we were to where we were now. This was fine with me, as it is the “getting there” bit that I don’t like about travelling… I just enjoy the “being there” bit.
I was worried about the lady in yellow, because we were not walking along pavement but moving up stairs, getting narrower and then an aluminum ladder straight up. I was recognizing that we were actually traversing a mountaintop, and as I grew aware of natural world around me, there was melding of the topology of the world around me. I knew I was at the top of a mountain, but the world looked flat below me. I wasn’t cold, I wasn’t worried about the height, and I was secure climbing. There was pressure slightly above me, until a piece of the sky simply folded up like an attic door in the floor of the ceiling.
As we all stepped up, and out, and we were in that river country. Jaymz and I were with someone, who I eventually recognized as my brother, with whom I was chatting, and I was worried how I was going to find the cabins. None of the other people who I had been marching with were there. We were in the middle of nowhere, standing in water and plants but not wet. There was no road.
I saw a vehicle, what looked like a beat-up car at first, all rusted out and covered in mosses and lichen, until I realized it was made of plants. We lifted up the back door of the vehicle, and the car sagged a bit as I put in my luggage, and then the three of us climbed in too, facing backwards like in a station wagon. None of the luggage was Jaymz’ or my brother’s, just mine, and that startled me.
We waited for driver, facing what should be the rear window, but started moving. The driver was in the car, explaining things here were not the same, and pointing out different things about the land around us. My brother was talking at me at the same tiems about different details and responsibilities I had, and I was getting distracted from the scenery.
At this point, Jaymz was silent. I was worriedly trying to pull out my laptop, so I could email my old boss, and ensure my vacation request had been put in, and check email.
There was no road: a path just opened up before us, whether through meadow or water. We travelled along some of the tributaries. One ended in a musical waterfall pouring over a crystalline cavern. There was a beautiful oasis in a desert, that was still very much alive. There were different animals that came up to the car: friendly. Everywhere was just peaceful, and fascinating.
My brother was now talking to me urgently. He was listing many things I needed to be aware of. He started talking about money, and how I need to learn the new system, as he counted out bills of different sizes and denominations into my hands. I said, “well, Jaymz is going to handle the money like he did before.”
Jaymz finally spoke softly, and told me he couldn’t do that for me anymore. I was trying to figure out the money, recognizing different bills, and realizing it was all irrelevant to where we were going.
Suddenly, I knew I was just having a few more fleeting moments with Jaymz, and my brother was gone. Jaymz and I talked, and I don’t remember about what, other than I was more happy than sad.
We made it to one of the little habitations, but no one was there, and Jaymz was gone. The driver said I could look around before I left.
I walked up to one of the little tiny houses with a little porch for two out front. The inside was larger. A comfortable couch, and an entertainment unit, but nothing personal in terms of decorations.
I was trying to learn a song that was playing, with lyrics on the screen karaoke style. It was a beautiful song, but melancholic. The lyrics kept changing, even as I sang and tried to learn it and sing it for Jaymz, because I knew he had written it.
The whole feeling was that he’s ok, he’s ok where he is at; he knows I have my responsibilities and whatnot now; he wishes I would let some stuff go in life; he’s fine, and I’ll be ok. He’s sad too that we can’t be together right now, but it’s not time for us to be together. He knows I’m dealing with a lot of stuff right now, and he was trying to distract me for a little while, showing me a little bit of what he could, but we will all be okay.
Then I woke up. I felt incredibly good and happy. I wasn’t sad at all the dream was over. I’m not in a hurry to go back. I quickly grabbed my phone and dictated what I could still remember while I could remember.
Psychoterrierpy 