When You Loved Me

1

When you loved me it was brief

and awkward

I was thrilled then

shamed

I dumped you because someone told me to

I felt stupid

2

When you loved me, I felt pretty

I thought

Picket fences Magic Kingdoms Happily Ever

After I walked in the club and saw you with the new dude with bigger hair

I felt ugly

3

When you loved me I felt old.

I knew you would slash yourself again

If I left so

I let you dump me.

Your mom called me after to say thanks

for being so good to you

I felt relieved

4

When you loved me you didn’t want to

after you got The News.

You ran but I followed awhile

But you hated me for finding something to love about

You.

I still have the Polaroid of

Us.

The last time I would see you alive.

I felt bewildered.

5

When you loved me, I was charmed

So much so that it I didn’t even find out

Until six months after we broke up

That you had cheated on me all the years we were

Together, even when I was taking care of you

When you nearly died.

But,

I was the crazy person, always

Imagining the worst, and what the hell do

you know anyway, you were a loser before I met you, and you will be a loser after

the only reason people talk to you is because of me

so shut the fuck up, it’s your own goddamn fault.

(Slap.)

I don’t know what I felt then.

6

When you loved me, you were kind

Enough to come all the way to my house,

Ask my brother for some privacy and say

“It’s not you, it’s me” but be real about it.

You didn’t want a relationship, and you didn’t

have another one for years.

I felt respected

7

When you loved me

You hated yourself so much

You went back to your transgendered addictions-laden sex trade worker ex

Who cut you with a broken bottle the same night, and I wouldn’t take you back.

Hell no.

I felt vindicated.

8

When you loved me I couldn’t wait to get rid of you.

You were more fucked up than me.

I felt nothing.

9

When you loved me

It was unconditionally, wholeheartedly, joyfully

The days unfolding in delicious uncertainty

Until the mad rhythm of it all came to a stop.

Running up six flights holding my breath to give it to you

Lying there still,

still,

so still.

Too late I came into your world, but

had it not been for what

Had been before,

I would not know

what real love, true love was

I feel empty.

10

When you loved me

It was supposed to be for mutual convenience, and love wasn’t supposed to enter into it.

It did.

I wish you could have stayed longer

And when I broke it off because I knew if it went longer I would be hurt more,

I left you

apparently feeling embarrassed, like an idiot, I’ve been told

I felt sorry.

11

When you loved me

It was all wrong, and I didn’t listen

To the little voice throwing a tantrum in the back

Of my head, because I was more worried about being alone.

But you were too.

That’s why you pretended to like

Everyone and everything in my life

When you hated it all the entire time.

I felt used

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